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Exploring Sex & Lucid Dreaming

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second-life-dream-sexFor a topic as popular as lucid dream sex, it’s strange that there are few valuable guides. Part of this disconnect is because lucid dreaming is marketed as the ultimate “virtual reality ” but, in practice, erotic dreams are not so easy to control.

In fact, sexuality is hard-wired in our minds alongside terror just as much as ecstasy. That is probably why the world’s wisdom traditions have explored sexuality as a serious, and sometimes perilous, pathway to the spirit and the Divine.

The article covers some basic FAQS about lucid dreams and sex – including dream orgasms – and then provides some tips and resources about how to navigate the choppy waters of Eros in the dream world in a way that is safe, respectful, and illuminating.

Here’s the link to my new article about exploring erotic lucid dreams.

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Comments

  1. Good article! I find dream sex to be annoying – it distracts me from whatever dream goal I had. I usually find it to be a symptom of low lucidity. It’s fun, of course, but I wake up thinking, “Dammit, I was going to ….” and realize that I never did it because I got distracted.

    • KMG, thanks for commenting! you’re not the only one who has told me that sexuality in lucid dreams can be a distraction. I think it’s part of the physiological signature of REM lucid dreams that we are already in a primed place for arousal. some have had success with “channeling” the energy for other purposes rather than flat out rejecting it – that’s the work of psychological alchemy.

  2. I have also often had the experience of waking from a lucid dream I have used to have dream sex feeling guilty that I should have done something more worthwhile. But I think the reason I often ended up spending my precious LD time looking for sex is that I had come up against various dead ends exploring other aspects of dreams. So I ended up getting bored and looking for sex.

  3. mango – I was raised by a Catholic mom so i know a little something about guilt too. In line with the continuity hypothesis for dream content, it’s not too surprising when our lucid wishes and desires mirror our waking life patterns! but to reiterate, there’s nothing wrong with having these erotic energies – especially given how strong they are in REM altered states. many dreamworkers have also noted a strong tie between sexual dreams and spiritual dreams…indeed as early as the 18th century Emmanuel Swedenborg suggested that sexual dreams were a metaphor for divine union. here’s to guilt free dreaming!

  4. In my erotic dreams I tend to switch genders a lot. It’s not something I try to accomplish. It just happens and I go with it. I know it’s common for dream figures to transform, but what about the dreamer?

  5. Kate, switching genders is not uncommon at all. actually, it says a lot about your flexibility of self. “going with it” is a great attitude. I have a feeling that if more people cold do what you do in your dreams, there would be more equality and less hate crimes in the world. If you have any more advice on this topic, I’d love to hear it!

  6. just in retrospect what is it like the first time you have a lucid dream, how do you wake up exactly.

  8. First of all, I’m narcoleptic. That essentially means that alot more of my sleep is REM than most peoples.
    I have what usually begin as invouluntarily induced lucid dreams that often I can go back into voluntarily in the same night. These are muchly navigated with the dexterity in my hands in some cases and I usually feel some sort of irresistable magnetism to females that live within a house or two, whence I go to attempt to have sex with them, them usually either being unaware of it or (i imagine, anyway) pretty scared. I know this becaue I have had things like that happen to me for a long time, only recently becoming not near as terrified, and usually only mildly so, if at all. There are visuals as well, and Im pretty curious if the visuals would match up with the inside of their house in reality. I also have flying ones quite often, both of these include the ability to abort at any time, usually because of the feeling of differend sources of fear. The vast majority of both types of these Ive covered are in places I am very familiar with. I got on the net in the middle of the night tonight to see what anybody has to say. I have heard stories about people experiencing similar things (as far as HAVING the visitations occasionally, but never frequently, and never a sexual one first-hand.) Forgive me if this is unorganized banter.
    Anyhow, that brings me to a theory that I have, which was not my origional intention. I can be pretty selfish. And I was wondering that if I could actually get to the point where I am doing good things in my dreams (I also have ones where I have powers and I just want to cause people greif) then maybe it would help me be less narccissistic in my wakefulness. I remembered to try to find something positive to do ONE time in a lucid dream, but I couldnt and that was quickly overcome by the temptation to go attempt to find a female to have sex with. And I have gone over the theory that some (im sure) would come up with as far as the sexual ones, which is that its from a lack of sexual satisfaction, but these happen even when I am well taken care of in that area.

  9. dear JR,

    thanks for your comment. First off, I recommend giving yourself a break for having sexual dreams. REM is sexy by nature — it is the most turned on stage of sleep, so I don’t think anyone would call these experiences narcissistic. but if you want to turn this sexual power to other uses, the key is actually in waking life: mindfulness training. simple yogic breathing, walking meditations, Transcendental meditation, tai chi, etc. the best is to combine a body practice with a mental practice. when you become lucid in your dreams or your OBEs, you can learn to rotate desire into concentration – this is essentially tantra, so read up on a beginners guide or join some web forums to meet like-minded seekers with whom you share a cultural or spiritual affinity.

  10. I’ve only had about..4 or 5 lucid dreams. At first, I didn’t know what had happened, but the second time it happened I did a search online and found out it is called “Lucid Dreaming”. After that I didn’t have one until about 3yrs later when I had fallen asleep in a very weird, and uncomfortable for some, posture. The result, a VERY vivid lucid dream. I tried the same posture the next night and wouldn’t you know, I had another lucid dream. Of my 5 lucid dreams, I would say about 60% of them ended up with me walking into a some random female’s house, stripping them naked, then having very pleasurable sex. Then right before I’d finish, I’d wake up.

  11. Jason – what was the sleep posture? you’ve got me curious!
    as you have more lucid dreams, you can learn to control your excitement so that you don’t wake up before the fireworks. that’s one of the side benefits of mindfulness training!

  12. Jason, I was scrolling through this forum looking for similar lucid dreams to mine and I finally found one. Walking up to random women and them giving their self up to you is great :P. Then when it gets most enjoyable I wake up. After reading up more on how to control lucid dreams better I am looking forward to this practice. I just want to add that when I’m having a lucid dream and I happen to be seeking a random women, I’ll find one around a corner in a super mart and decide that she isn’t attractive enough and that I can find better. So I keep passing up these less attractive women I see and when I find a smoking hot chick I wake up, or I wont even get to find one sometimes. It’s a bummer haha.

  13. It’s true what i have read, at some pointe. In my dreams…when I try to touch a guy or come on to him he rejects me and reacts like a normal guy would act in reality. Or in my dreams I am either dressed un-attractive and look un-appealing at times when HOTT guys are around….like in reality, too. Thesse actions are planted in my subconscious and so they come out in my dreams. Catch me drift?

  14. i’ve not had a lucid dream for awhile, and can’t remember my exact posture very well since it’s been a few years. But I tried a month ago and i was having half-lucid dreams..where i was getting to where i could tell i was dreaming, but not exactly so i couldn’t control it. Most of my sleep posture is falling asleep with my right leg bent where my right ankle is under my left knee while im laying flat on my back.

  15. One thing to note is to not hump too hard during your dream. I actually woke up last time to myself humping the air on my bed.

  17. I’m a virgin, if I have sex in a lucid dream, will it feel real, like wet? Srry just curious I’m getting out of ROTC joining the Army

  18. I realize this forum was started awhile ago, but I’m going to give it a shot as I’m desperately seeking advice/consolation/simple conversation about a topic I feel I cannot speak openly about. (People ask me if I’m schizophrenic.)
    I’m 24, female, live in the US northeast. I had my first sleep paralysis episode at 16, they became more frequent with age. I would guess about 85-90% of my dreams are lucid.
    Lately, the sexual aspect has become very prominent. I experienced what many of you have said earlier: Guilt, distraction, etc. But I see the sexual endeavor as something worth exploring, and no longer feel “wrong.”
    I have an active sex life outside of the dream world, for whatever importance that entails. My lucid sexual dreams are half hetero and half homosexual in nature. In life I am heterosexual. I’ve experimented with women, but for all intents and purposes I am straight.

    My real question: Has anyone out there felt the sex is just WAY better dreaming than in real life? I find myself excited to sleep just to explore. Obviously – the safety and anonymity of the dream world over a place of complete exploration, which I think makes the sex better. I had one particular encounter that I will never forget. While I was having sex with a guy (missionary) – I orgasmed but it was on a completely different level than pure physicality. It was a spiritual orgasm, I swear. Anyone else experience this? I woke up laughing – not because it was funny, but because of its intensity.

  19. Somegirl,

    REM dreaming is sexy by design because the genitals can easily become engorged during dreams — it is known as a high-arousal state. As for having incredible orgasms, I’m not sure why this is possible, but it could be psychological factors like you mentioned, such as safety and security, as well as less distractions. Sounds like you’ve got a good thing going!

  20. I am in the same boat as “Somegirl” with the exception that I am 41 and don’t have a boyfriend. My lucid sexual dreams are getting more and more frequent. I was thinking it was because I have NOT had sex in a very long time. And I don’t take care of myself any more because of the “guilt” factor. And I can now control my dreams about 85% of the time. Like Somegirl, I do wake up very happy and most times “finishing”….Could this be some kind of hormonal thing or chemical issue??

  21. Somegirl2,

    sounds like a healthy sexual response to me, not an issue, but I suppose that depends on your own body ethics. I can tell you that even monks and nuns can’t stop their own sexual dreams, and even St Augustine noted how his sexual dreams come and go despite his wishes to the contrary. They seem to be a part of dreaming life. on the other hand, so to speak, women in their 40s are considered to be peaking sexually, so perhaps this ability is related to hormones. In any case, this is not abnormal at all and many others wish they had this ability!

  22. Shane… it’s as real as you can imagine. We can’t distinguish between real experiences and dream experiences as they occur — from the perspective of the brain, they are the same. But for virgins, who can say what it feels like? As real as you can imagine may not be very real.

    Then again, we’re primed for certain experiences. I remember being scared of roller coasters because I had lucid dreams that involved falling that were so intense. When I finally got on a roller coaster — at age 15 – I was surprised to find that my dream experiences were more intense than real roller coasters. Perhaps the same is true with sensual pleasure.. although in my opinion it is sharing that pleasure that really makes the real world valuable…

  23. I just want to share how I am able to lucid dream. My way is completely different from everyone elses. After I would wake from a lucid dream, I always find that some part of my body is numb, like my arms, hand, leg, feet, but mostly my hands as I’m always crossing my arms on my chest cutting the blood flow to my hands. It’s really odd but it works tremendously for me. Has anyone else ever had this experience?

    • hey John — I don’t quite get what you mean. Are you saying that you notice in the dream that some part of your body is numb and you then go lucid?

  24. hey Ryan, what i mentioned before was that after i should wake up from a lucid dream, not when im dreaming, i would always notice that some part of my body is numb and its usually my hands because i have a tendancy to cross my arms all the time when im sleeping on my back and in crossing your arms for a long period of time your hands become numb. i know its odd but it just what i notice, sometimes i would wake up from a lucid dream to find myself sleeping on my stomach with one arm underneath my belly and that arm is numb. ive been doing this for awhile even before i knew what lucid dreaming was and i always thought it was awesome that i was conscious during my dreams and being able to do what ever i wanted. Hope that clears what i was mentioning before.

  25. on another note, i dont wake up and than go back to sleep i sleep it straight through and i unconsciously cross my arms when i sleep so that helps me.

    • OK, got it. Sometimes I wake up from a lucid dream and realize that I’ve crossed my ankles in sleep (laying on my stomach). I’ve wondered if that is some kind of protection pose for me.

  26. I have only lucid dreamed once a long time ago, I am 18 now and I have very strange a weird dreams. The strangest one so far was a soviet union boat that since the soviet union was poor and could not afford gasoline the boat had a massive grinder below deck and they used large animals and it somehow powered the boat, it was disturbing.Oh and the dream ended by them throwing me into there.

    I have a dream journal but need to use it more, I only wrote like three in there

  27. Lately i have been experiencing sleep paralysis. the first time i experienced this i freaked out when i could think but not move my body. The second time i freaked but understood how to escape by changing rate of breath. But i have heard that you can achieve lucid dreams by sleep paralysis and i was wondering how to achieve this. I experienced paralysis again last night and i tried to think about something i would want to dream about, but the result was me waking.

  28. Hi, I was just wondering how I can have a sexual lucid dream with someone I really desire.Do I visualize about them until I fall asleep,having the goal fixed in my mind?

  29. Hey people,

    I have had about 5 lucid dream experiences so far and all of them have been sexual by choice. As soon as I realize I am dreaming I can just manifest a hot naked chick but like others have said I never get to finish =(. The night before last I had another and started to have sex and in the middle I remembered that I have never flown in a dream before and as soon as that thought ended shot straight up in and air and I was flying around like superman it was so awesome.

    Jill the way it works for me is I just get the thought in my head about what I would like to experience then next time I find I am in an LD and when I am there I just t make it happen. I guess that might sound simplified but I don’t know how else to explain it. I think just understanding that you are in complete control makes it really easy to make what you want happen.

  30. I have tried having lucid sex before. It is ok I guess but is never very vivid. I just imagine a hot girl and start doing it but I never really have control of my actions it just kind of happens. And then I just wake up after a very short time. It’s annoying.

  31. I have been trying to just have a LD lol. You guys are lucky, the whole SP thing scars me. Like I have read that people will like see an old hag and “shadow man” how often dose SP happen??

  32. is it possible that when u have lucid dreams then woke up realizing it then hoping to re-enter the same lucid dream again not restarting but a continuation of the same dream.. just curious.. and have anyone dream of more then 2-3 days in the dream it self

    • Scott, interesting question. sometimes you can. In a 1969 essay in the book Altered States of Consciousness, psychologist Charles Tart describes “high dreams” which are precisely that. He was noting that the feelings of intoxication can occur in the dream without taking the drug itself… assuming you have been down that road before as it’s about state-specific memory. however – I have got to comment that in my mind, when you’re lucid dreaming, you’re already in an altered state, and it can be so crisp and clarifiying, there’s no need to try to experience “being high” in the way of intoxication. and lucid dreaming is natural, legal, and safe.

  34. I have been having lucid dreams that are so vivid it sometimes becomes hard to believe that they are not real. For example, ( with out going into detail) last night I found an ex-girlfriend in my sleep and we spent what seemed like a whole day together and fell asleep in a meadow. I woke up in my bed and for a split second thought she was lying next to me. On the other side of the coin I sometimes have complete control over earthly physics and have been trying to fly into outer space. On one occasion I was warned by a group of what I call “dream characters” to stop trying to fly into space because I wouldn’t be able to get back. I know how weird this sounds but it’s true. Can anyone relate? Thanks.

  35. I would love to start LDing more. I need to read more here and practice.

    One thing I will say is, yes, dreams are an easy way to revisit psychedelic experiences–at least, for me, ayahuasca hyperspace always seem to come back in my dreams within a few days of drinking aya. It is beyond anything imaginable in normal dreams. I have had LDs where I got to fly through outerspace, and those were fantastic, but still, nothing compares to being in hyperspace.

  36. So far I’ve had like 30-45 LDs , most of them ending in sexual themes (by my choice) but… I’m a virgin guy, so I don’t think it feels real, unless I have real sex at least once. So my point is that in most of them I have sexual experiences with girls in my school. Today I had this LD when I had experiences with 2 girls of my school (one at a time) but in the only one that gets aroused they just don’t move.

  37. I am glad I found a forum where people can share there LD experience!
    I want to answer Empty and ask a question of mine. Yes, I’ve had it several times when I woke up from a lucid dream and wanted to resume it very badly. However the more I wanted to return to this specific dream, the greater was the “resistance” of my mind. After that I would go to sleep but not back to LD…

  38. So, everything you feel in the dream will feel as real as the waking state? For instance, if you reach out and touch her body, you’ll actually feel it?

  39. When I become frighten in my dreams, I realize that I am dreaming. From there I can take it to pretty much wherever I want.

  40. yup, dreams feel real, smell real, and basically are real to the brain. it’s amazing, but also amazingly fragile.

  41. I have had sexual encounters in lucid dreams, one unusual one was at a music festival where i was working, i was asleep in a large communal tent. And I end up having lengthy sex with a beautiful dreadlocked tattooed woman. It was strange in that I hadn’t really had a lucid dream in ages and wasn’t particularly horny. God knows what sounds I might have made in that communal tent and I did climax and for me there is usually a lot more ejaculate and stronger orgasm, it feels so good but rather messy affairs 🙂 In relation to the man warned not to fly into space, I was warned similarly for flying. I had just started flying and one dream I was in my old school town, and decided to fly. It’s amazing how the imagination is able to construct that town from an angle I have never seen it from before, but I swear that I flew over that town and saw it as it is in complete detail from above. Anyway as I was a novice to flying, I ended up being mischievous and flying along holding on to the roofs of peoples cars and then putting my face to the windscreen and frightening people. It seemed like great fun. Anyway one way or another I end up in this ‘cafe’ or night club and it’s seems to be full of people who are lucid dreamers or astral planers or something. They are telling me off saying that I shouldn’t have done that (the flying) ‘cos now they know who you are’. I eventually found out who ‘they were’ and my dreams started taking a very dark turn, full of fear and paralysis, to the extent that I had to stop the dreams. I had many amazingly beautiful dreams, dreams within dreams within dreams, but eventually this sickening fear overtook everyone of them. Whether this is my subconscious or actual entities that can traverse these dream states to harass the uninitiated traveler, is anyone’s guess. i guess I look a bit crazy for suggesting such a thing. But once in a dream I realised that if I walked through this door, I would enter a world as real and tangible as the one we call ‘real’, I never got through it, it was too much for me to take at that moment and everytime I got close I would awake in another dream..

    • Ad, thanks for sharing. your experience and the spectrum you have gone through is fascinating. I think that the positive-to-negative shift of lucid dreams happens much more frequently than is generally recognized in public discourse. Lucidity is sold, like everything else, on light bubbly fantasy. I can’t speak to the significance of your dreams– I get the feeling there’s a lot of nuance and complexity to your dreamworld — but I do want to reassure you that facing dark energies/dream figures happens to many people who make it past the first delightful and playful introduction into this profound altered state. You may be interested in my series on lucid nightmares — here’s a good place to start: http://dreamstudies.org/2008/10/08/the-dark-side-of-lucid-dreams/

      What comes up, must come down…. and the good news is that after dealing with some of the darker truths of dreaming, the light and playful moments come back too, and they can go even deeper that previous ecstasies.

  42. I’ve always had weird and vivid dreams, but only recently have they become more lucid. I watch a lot of gymnastics, and in some dreams am able to accomplish skills that I would never be able to do in real life in an arena setting (complete with fame), aware all the while what was going on. In one, I realized I was dreaming halfway through. I was at a pool, and wished it would turn to ice so I could skate. It did, and I could do all of the jumps, etc. I even pulled a cute outfit out of a random gym bag!

    The most vivid lucid dream I’ve had, though, was amazing. I was flying over a meadow, and could feel the breeze and the sun. The colors were SO vibrant, and there were people picnicking below me and pointing up at the sky to watch me fly. There was this gorgeous tree of all different colors that was so beautiful to me that I almost started crying in the dream. But frustratingly, the same wholesome dream did turn sexual. I realized that the people weren’t real and that there were no consequences to my actions, and somehow landed on the ground and began having sex with a random man. I’m not impulsive in real life, so was a bit frustrated with myself!

    I’ve noticed that I have the most lucid dreams when I’m napping – ie, when I wake up early, stay up for a little while, and then go back to bed for a couple of hours (when I still feel tired and can immediately fall asleep). That’s when all the clearest dreams have happened, and it’s pretty instant. I’m all of the sudden in some random setting that I automatically know I can change at will (sometimes it’s my own bedroom, and I always imagine jumping out the window to begin flying). Flying is always the first thing I do when I’m aware I’m dreaming. It makes everything more vivid, and ensures keeping lucidity. I have practiced twisting/focusing on one object to stay in the dream (I love when this makes the images clearer and sharper!), but there’s nothing more frustrating than seeing the edges start to blur and waking up. 🙁

  43. its amazing, I haven’t recalled a single LD so far, a couple of ethereal projections and a lot of meditation. But reading all of these stories has inspired me to practice every night to LD, I didn’t really intentionally come here to read about sex in LD’s but was still really interesting to see what people have experienced in that subject. So thanks to everyone who has contributed your stories

  44. Hey,,
    I love lucid sex dreams!! Had one last night with a guy at my uni that I have had my eye on. Amazing! Got all the way through too… However, that was a one off.. Normally I don’t even have time to go past a kiss. Also what seems to be weird is that my body changes in dreams.. It becomes worse which I HATE.. But not in the one last night, it was just normal

    I hope this Is the beginning of something new!

  45. I am actually immensely surprised that the morphing phenomenon associated with the “carrot on a stick” is an actual thing. I have only lucid dreamed a handful of times, but I remember the two times I attempted to engage in sexual activity, the person would strangely morph into someone or something else within several seconds… and with the subsequent attempts, the same thing happened… until I just gave up haha.
    Phew, I thought I was just weird or something xD

    • yeah, it’s weird isn’t it? The key is to let go of trying to control the dream and rather enter into a true relationship with the dream figure….. if you keep gratitude and acceptance in your heart, the morphing can be quite pleasant rather than creepy/weird.

  46. Hey everyone, for some reason, i’ve been trying to lucid dream for about 3 to 4 months , with Binaural Beats, using this one song on youtube of Theta frequencies at 7hz, I am willing to try really anything for it to work, but i’ve only had one successful attempt and it was when i slept during the day, it was VERY short, where i realized i was in an empty room, like an apartment or something, and had the desire to have sex in the dream, so I turned around to find a doorway behind me, walked into a very shot and small hallway, and found a doorway. When I opened the 2nd door to my right, there was a bed, and a man grabbing a women while they lay at the edge of the bed. Strange right? I have no recollection of who the man was, but I grabbed the womans had and woke up. Now obviously that isn’t all I want to do in a lucid dream, but I still want to experience as much as possible in them, my question, would anyone know possible techniques I could use to get me lucid dreaming? I try the WILD technique, but maybe there is something that you might do to get you lucid dreaming and it might work for me.

  47. Hey um I’ve experienced sleep paralysis since I was four or five. I’ve also had lucid dreams since this age and quite often . Maybe sleep paralysis at least once a week and lucid dream about three times a month. My question is how to make sleep paralysis less scary or how to turn it Into a lucid dream. The first few times I had sp I never felt something on me or saw stuff I just could move but the last few years it’s been terrifieing I feel heavy pressure on my chest and see stuff and like a bad ticklish feeling on my neck and spine, I get it no matter what position im sleeping in. I’m 16 now. By the way great article! Thanks

  48. (I can remeber almost every dream i have ever had since I was about 3 or 4) but in some of my dreams i’ll feel the urge to wake up and i’ll spend some period of time trying too but i just can’t seem to move, although im not sure if its sleep paralysis because usaully im in a dark blue-toned room similar to mine but at the same time different. Is there anyway to avoid that because i hate the panicky feeling i get when it happens

  49. Lucid dreaming is a strange sort of unconscious meditative state, i find it very hard to control, and i think that is down to my realization of the fact i am lucid dreaming. If I were to realize i was dreaming, i would wake up. If i did not realize i was dreaming, i would be unable to control the dreams. Lucid dreaming is a state in the median of these two things, you must recognize that you are dreaming but not try too hard to control that fact or else you will wake up.

  50. I have only ever had one lucid dream and I could not control anything that occurred within it, it was a horrifying experience filled with nightmares and deaths I remember feeling it all, is there any way to stop this or possibly a way to forget it?